FEATURES
A MOTHER'S TRIALS ENDURED FOR HER SON'S SUCCESS
by Latonia Johnson
Pregnant and married to her high school sweet heart at 18, Blondie
Clayton rushed into marriage and began life with a man she thought
would be there forever. The two had a son, James. The man she
married, however, was not going to change to become the mate she
wanted him to be. Ultimately, the marriage ended in separation.
And Blondie found herself with the task of raising a child alone.
She moved back in with her mother, and her son James became her
motivation to make life work as a single mom. Understanding that
children aren't born with instructions, Blondie's hidden feelings
of insecurity in rearing a child surfaced. She found confidence
in a book by the well known author and child psychologist, Dr.
Spock. Although one can read books on how to be a good parent,
experience is the best teacher. The struggles of daily living
can be overwhelming, but being a single parent presents its own
set of challenges.
Blondie recalls one such challenge of getting young James to take
out the garbage regularly.
"I arrived home to find a stench that offended my nose. I
was never fond of repeating myself. I asked God to give me the
wisdom to teach a lesson that would stick. My solution? Dump the
garbage on the bed," says Blondie. Though an unanticipated
lesson, James has generally treasured the memories of his mother
as disciplinarian.
Blondie learned the importance of keeping structure and balance
in her home by becoming everything her son needed, while effectively
displaying confidence and developing a friendship based on mutual
respect.
"Single women with sons cannot be fathers. That was the greatest
lesson I learned. There is a place for the father in the home,
or a father figure. I couldn't teach James 'guy' things. Those
things are better coming from a male," admits Blondie.
More often than not, single parents find themselves using their
own teachings rather than God's. Yet these single parents' frequent
success stories reveal that even though they felt removed from
God's protection, His love was with them all along. Surprisingly,
before she became a believer, Blondie began teaching her son Biblical
values that she learned from her early Baptist teachings in Sunday
School.
When Blondie was an impressionable nine years old, an event in
her life devastated her. She never expected that her beloved parents
would divorce. Blondie says she was especially close to her father.
As a result of the divorce, she and her three younger siblings
were shifted around from one relative to another. And due to the
fact that her relationship with God was not very strong, Blondie
floundered.
She had no solid relationship with God, so Blondie used her philosophical
ideals, the Ten Commandments, and the good characteristics of
people and relatives around her to raise her son during his young
years.
"While I was moved among my relatives, I learned to take
the good from some of them and incorporate this into my character.
I used the good part of their characters and I applied that in
my rearing of James. I simply discarded the bad. I knew I could
trust that God wanted us to follow the Ten Commandments, and that
this was the way to conduct ourselves. So I also passed this on
to James," explains Blondie.
Blondie admits that most likely she and James felt that they were
all each other needed. She would have loved having a father early
on for her son. Blondie does concede, however, that life deals
us situations which are out of our control.
"You cannot control other people. God gives them freedom
to choose to be with you or someone else. James' father chose
a promiscuous life. James was someone's responsibility because
he was an innocent child. He became my focus for survival,"
says Blondie.
But even without a father figure, Blondie says that James was
still a well-rounded child. "Every child wants a father,
but I didn't miss out on anything," James says.
Ironically, Blondie was never alone because in the family structure,
James had to contribute as well. She has never viewed single parenting
as difficult, but as a challenging and worthwhile task that someone
has to undertake for God's children.
"I stressed to James that this was my first time being a
parent, that I was not perfect, and that there would be times
I would make mistakes in judgment which would affect us negatively.
I knew, however, that if we talked it out we would get through
it," says Blondie.
Was it the Magazine of the mother/son relationship that would
in turn be the core of their commitment, honesty, and respect
that should exist in a family structure? Philosophically, Blondie
says yes.
Unfortunately, there are always obstacles in the journey through
life. The question is, can they be overcome without God?
At 25, Blondie was introduced to marijuana by a younger friend.
It was not something she did openly in front of James. At age
13, however, James began asking her about the drug.
"I never used pot to escape pressure or stress, but the way
people take a drink socially," says Blondie.
Concerned that James' questions might have been more than mere
curiosity, Blondie made a decision to smoke a joint with her young
son.
"I wanted to be with him when he experienced it, if that
was what he was going to do. I wanted him to understand that you
don't smoke pot to become dependent or let it be in charge of
you," says Blondie.
Interestingly enough, James never had a dependency on marijuana.
Blondie shares a time when James was about 17. She began noticing
signs of neglect in his appearance which she knew was a result
of drug involvement.
"I took my concern to God and asked him to guide me as to
what to do. He directed me to write a letter. In the letter, I
told James what I was observing in his appearance, his lack of
attention to his clothes, and other matters. God directed my pen
to write to him about loss of control which results in loss of
dignity and pride. I wrote about how anything that you allow to
overtake you to the point that you don't care about how you look
could not be nurturing or positive. It could only lead to destruction.
The choice was his," Blondie explained.
James later admitted to his mother that he had experimented with
crack. He also admitted that his eyes had been opened as a result
of seeing his friends on the floor scratching the carpet looking
for pieces that might have fallen to the floor. It was then he
realized that this was not the way he wanted to end up. He never
did it again.
James is a source of great pride for his mother. It is obvious
the feelings are mutual. Blondie credits the wisdom God gave her
each step of the way as she has watched her son grow into a responsible
and loving father.
Today, James Lofton III, at 28, has to reflect on the teachings
of his mother; no longer philosophical teachings, but teachings
of a born-again believer. He often hears himself repeating some
of the same things his mother said, especially in a typical day
while taking care of his own two children, Christina, 6, and James
IV, 8. Having had to make the same decision his mother made 23
years ago, James is raising a family as a single parent while
keeping a full-time schedule.
After making sure Christina and James IV get their breakfast in
the morning, he scurries them off to school, goes to a full-time
job, and attends Miami-Dade Community College part time. He is
studying to become a radiologist. Last year, he formed B. L. Publishing
Inc., with his step father in order to publish his mother's first
book. Suddenly, preparation for single parenthood is an important
necessity. "I don't believe that anyone is ever completely
prepared for single parenthood. Considering my upbringing, though,
and my mother's guidance, I have been better prepared than she
was when attempting to raise me," says James.
Considering the fact that his mother referred to Dr. Spock's book,
it is comforting to know that James has learned a few things while
growing up under his mother's hand. Though the picture of marriage
is probably down the road someday, James is enjoying his family.
He hopes to accomplish many more goals. Among them he is preparing
himself financially to take care of his mother in her golden years.
Today, Blondie receives her love and companionship from her husband
of 12 years, Frank Clayton, a very supportive and respectful man.
When marrying a woman, a man unites himself not only with a wife,
but also her children. Stepping in as James' father was surprisingly
an effortless adjustment. The role has been a true blessing for
Frank.
"I don't believe in the word 'step' in reference to a child
or parent," Frank says. "That was not allowed in our
home. James is my son."
Blondie's book, The Touch of the Master's Hand--A Journey Into
Stolen Innocence, is a chronicle of the way she overcame
the trials with which life presented her. It is based on life
experiences, and explains her reflections on the past which have
lead to God's mercy and grace in spite of her imperfections in
growth and learning. The book discusses how God guided and transformed
her life.
In addition, Blondie enjoys observing James passing on Godly principles
to Christina and James IV.
"I'm grateful to my mother," James says. "She doesn't
accept excuses for failure. Even my birth father had to admit
that she has done a good job of raising me. She mentors me through
her positive, curious attitude. My mother is always learning,
growing and changing to discover more of her own potential. I
find her very intriguing."