The Process Of Becoming One Flesh

By DR. Bob & Rosemary Barnes

"TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE CAN BECOME STRONGER BECAUSE OF THEIR DIFFERENCES, NOT IN SPITE OF THEM."

"My spouse and I have different opinions about many of our decisions. What does that mean about our marriage? Does that mean we are not very compatible?" This is one of the most common marriage questions. Anyone who has been married for over a year (probably more like a week!) has wondered about this. When it comes to areas of family life such as money, sex, or parenting decisions, spouses often find themselves in conflict with each other. We tend to marry people with different ideas about how life should be handled. Why is that? Wouldn't it have been better if we married someone who thought exactly like we did?

The original definition of marriage gives valuable insight into the conflict dilemma. The purpose and process of marriage is introduced in the book of Genesis. This statement about marriage is about need. God said that it was not good for us to be alone (Gen 2:18). With that God answered the statement of need by saying He would send a helper or completer.

Marriage is not about sending one person whose purpose it was to meet another person's personal needs. It's not intended to be a job of anticipating the wants and desires of one's spouse. The purpose of putting two people together in a marriage is much bigger. It was about forming a partnership.

The purpose of partnerships is to make possible the accomplishment of things that the individuals could not do alone. In business, a partnership of two companies is formed because each party offers something that will make them stronger when the two form a union. It indicates each partner is different and those differences make them stronger when put together. 

Long before corporate partnerships were thought of, God established the principle for the partnership of two people in marriage. Two different people can become stronger because of their differences, not in spite of them. But why does it seem to be difficult? Why do those valuable differences seem to be the very things that erode the marriage relationship, rather then strengthen it?

God answers that dilemma in the same passage. It's called the "One Flesh Process." Becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24) is a process, not a happening. Becoming one flesh is much bigger than a sexual reference. It wasn't that the man and woman experienced sexual intimacy and thus became one flesh that night. Husbands and wives are to "become" one flesh. The word "become" indicates and are to spend a life ongoing process. A man and woman need time learning to become one.

To function for a bigger cause than self. Seeing their differences as valuable input, rather than opinions and points of view to go to war over. This is the statement we need. Two very different people choosing to do a bigger cause than what it takes to function as one person. To function for the sake of the partnership. It's not the conflicts that cause marriage problems. Conflicts are just
indicators of our differences.. .just the warning lights. Properly handling those conflicts is what will draw us into one a flesh relationship.

The process of becoming one flesh takes place when I see my spouse's opinion as valuable rather than wrong because they are different from mine. Two people are becoming "one" when they talk through each other's ideas rather than battle each other. The marriage process is at it's best when a couple gets their personal way of handling things out of the way, and allows God to draw from the
best of each of them.

God's plan for marriage is to offer us the intimacy of a relationship with another person. Putting each of us with a person who has strengths that compliment our weaknesses. The partnership makes each person stronger. For example, one spouse might be a person who is a nurturing parent. The other spouse might be a natural disciplinarian. They can argue about parenting decisions or attempt to override each other. But the family will suffer. Instead they can talk about their conflicting approach to parenting and choose to draw from each other's strengths. Together they can set up a plan for discipline that will include a loving approach to the child while dealing with a negative behavior. That way everyone wins.

Conflict reveals these differences. Talking about these differences makes the couple stronger as a team and allows for intimacy in the relationship. Talking about the conflict is the conduit for that intimacy. To avoid the conflict is to avoid the strengthening process. To go to war over the conflict is to miss out on a one flesh relationship and thus to miss out on the strength of two becoming one. Anyone can get married. Being married is a process of two doing what it takes to
become one.

Robert G. Barnes is executive director of Sheridan House for Youth Inc., a position he has held since 1974. He is an author, conference speaker, marriage and family therapist and former college instructor.

Jan-Feb '01 Table of Contents